The Merge, Skepticism and Denial, Disillusionment, Decision, and Wholehearted Love are the five stages of a relationship. These five stages are experienced in every relationship, though not just once. Consider these stages as a succession of seasons that we pass through in an endless cycle rather than as stepping stones to a certain result.
Relationship stages are not linear but rather cyclical.
We frequently believe that any intimate relationship will
inevitably move through the stages of initial chemistry, euphoric infatuation,
a string of minor setbacks, and ultimately, a blissful state of
happily-ever-after. We frequently encounter this pleasant story in movies,
television, and music. Love is, in fact, a journey without a destination. We
shouldn't anticipate that later on in our relationship, we'll reflect on the
challenges we faced and exclaim, "I guess that's it! Here we are! We
succeeded!" Because there is another obstacle beyond where you are right
now.
In other words, rather than being linear, a relationship's
stages are cyclical. Even those who make it to the fifth and final stage of a
relationship—Wholehearted Love—will eventually find themselves returning to
Stage 1 to re-enter the relationship. However, they can always return home.
The five stages of a relationship are explained here, along
with the abilities couples need to go through each stage.
First Stage: The Merge
The Merge, often known as the honeymoon phase, is the first
phase of a partnership. When a couple first gets together, the first, sweeping
romanticism frequently swallows them, resulting in all-consuming joy in our partner's
presence and hungry, passionate sex. People who are in this stage of a
relationship frequently believe they have discovered their "perfect
match," someone who is eerily similar to them and incredibly compatible.
They frequently dissolve boundaries because they feel like they always want to
be together. The two appear to combine, or at least appear willing to.
The reasoning part of our brain is frequently overridden by
these emotions. Indeed, according to the study, this initial stage is
characterized by physiological changes in the brain, including a cocktail of
hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins that initiate and sustain
infatuation. This brain glow frequently makes us "addicted" to our
companions and causes us to overlook incompatibilities, warning signs, or other
problems.
What to do at this point in the relationship
Enjoy this phase to the fullest because this is what makes
dating so enjoyable and fascinating. Be conscious of your heightened emotions
at the same moment. Spend some time observing your feelings and your connection
from a distance while carefully considering whether this person is the greatest
match for you. While taking this biochemical love potion, get frank advice from
people who can make sure you are not overlooking any seriously alarming red
signals (this is rarely taken seriously).
Take your time while making any significant decisions as the
Merge can cloud your judgment and tempt you to act in ways that are ultimately
unwise or unhealthy for you. Generally speaking, avoid making decisions when you're
"so in love," as this is only a fleeting emotion that will pass.
Second Stage: Skepticism and Denying
Skepticism and Denial, the second phase of a relationship,
is when we begin to genuinely recognize the differences between our partners
and ourselves. With a thud, we emerge from the trance of infatuation only to
discover that the very qualities we previously deemed so admirable have grown
tiresome. Their adventurous temperament feels like unneeded danger, her
generosity looks careless, and his dependability now feels inflexible.
Unfortunately, when we encounter one another's differences,
friction is inevitable. Power battles intensify, and we are astounded by our
partner's transformation. Love and alienation coexist with annoyance. We might
not be "ideal" for one another after all.
Our biological reactions to stress increase as our level of
disappointment grows. Depending on who we are and the situation, we can desire
to fight or run away. For instance, you can feel the need to stand up for your
principles, which could translate into the desire to get your way in
everything. Even while it makes little sense to expect someone to be exactly
like us, many of us still have a tendency to inquire, why our partner is not
like us.
What to do at this point in the relationship
The ability to manage conflicts is crucial at this point.
Learn how to treat each other with care and respect while engaging in dispute
resolution and relationship issues head-on. Keep in mind that disagreements and
power struggles are commonplace in relationships and are not always a sign that
the relationship is failing or that the two people are no longer in love.
You'll need to develop the ability to distinguish between the constructive
dispute and unhealthful control concerns; the former may be resolved, but the
latter may be a warning that you should end the relationship.
The second stage of a relationship is also an excellent time
to figure out your love languages because this is the period where you're
beginning to acknowledge your differences. There are five different ways to
express love, and each individual must understand how their partner prefers to
be loved.
Third Stage: Disappointment
The disillusionment stage of a relationship is the third
step. Winter is the season of love (we don’t have winter in Nigeria - lol), and
for some couples, it may feel like the end of the road. The power conflicts in
the relationship are now fully exposed, and the problems the couple had long
brushed under the rug are suddenly starkly apparent. Some people develop a
constant state of alertness and are prepared to charge into battle at the first
sign of trouble. Other couples may gradually drift apart, spending more time
and effort outside of their relationship and less time on it.
Our initial experience of intense love is frequently a
distant memory at this point. The "I" reemerges and compared to our
earlier happy feeling of "we," this new condition feels much more secure.
However, some couples might not doubt their dedication; rather, they might
interpret this as a clear indication that something needs to change.
What to do at this point in the relationship
Make room and clear the air. Stop avoiding difficulties and
sweeping them under the rug; as exhausting as the constant disagreements may
seem, sweeping them under the rug merely leaves a lumpy carpet with lots of
things to trip over.
At this point in the relationship, there could be a lot of
negative energy present. Practice being affectionate even while angry to
counteract this. Can you go out to dinner and a movie together while feeling
irritated and conscious that something isn't working and has to be discussed?
The brain only takes in positive information during the
Merge and avoids anything that would contradict that perspective. The brain is
focusing on all the flaws in the relationship throughout the disillusionment
period. The things that are going wrong receive all of our attention, while the
things that are going right are neglected. Try to counteract that process with
a daily practice of thankfulness.
Fourth Stage: Making a decision
Because you’ve reached your breaking point, the fourth stage
of a relationship is referred to as the Decision. Self-protective tactics,
emotional breakdowns, and long-distance separations after arguments are all
frequent occurrences. The same goes for remoteness and apathy.
When you start to seriously consider leaving and even start
to make plans to end the relationship, you know you’re there. You might be
eager to start a brand-new relationship with someone.
At this point, we must decide whether to go, remain and do nothing
despite our misery, or remain and truly attempt to mend our relationship.
What to do at this point in the relationship
If you are at this point in your relationship, I’ll suggest
that you take a different approach and decide to work on your relationship
before deciding on it. Years of anger or estrangement can disappear when
couples learn how to communicate properly, even though many times they believe
they want to end the relationship.
Understanding your contribution to the breakdown of your
relationship and making a serious change are both necessary components of doing
the work. By selecting this final option, we can allow our relationship to
develop and flourish while also learning the lessons that will enable us to be
the best versions of ourselves.
Even when a couple decides to divorce, they can frequently do it amicably by wishing one another well and acknowledging their respective roles in the incident. Well, of course, this won’t be the same when one or both partners are toxic.
Fifth Stage: Unconditional Love
Wholehearted Love is the fifth stage of a relationship,
which is when things are most wholesome and satisfying in our union. Summertime
in a relationship is when the rewards of their efforts are completely ripe and
ready to be enjoyed. There is no such thing as a "perfect match,"
thus couples go through actual individuation, self-discovery, and the
acceptance of imperfection in both themselves and their relationships.
In this fifth stage of a relationship, there is still hard
work to be done, but the difference is that couples can lean into difficult
conversations and listen attentively without becoming defensive or hostile.
Couples also start playing together again around this stage.
They can smile, unwind, and truly savour one other. As each individual
rediscovers themselves in ways that allow them to fall in love with each other
all over again, they can even partake in some of the thrilling passion,
delights, and sex of the Merge.
What to do at this point in the relationship
Feed your body. The characteristics of two wholehearted
people—generosity, humour, adaptability, resilience, healthy boundaries,
self-care, and a life with meaning and purpose—are what drive the Wholehearted
Love stage. Make self-care and self-growth ongoing objectives. Couples can
remain in this stage as long as they can retain their completeness as
individuals.
Be aware that new obstacles are lurking around the corner,
but you are better prepared to handle them when they do. Enjoy the ride in the
interim.
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